THE BOOK
This book centers on grief, forgiveness, acceptance, and rejection, but chapter 1 starts with crying. Crying is mostly associated with grief, but it can be associated with happiness too. It also occurs with several other emotions, such as anger, fear, anxiety, and depression. To understand crying in different emotions, it is helpful to understand the biology of crying.
Humans are the only animal that cries. It is a function of the brain that allows us to release horrific emotions. American troops who marched through the concentration camps of World War II could not hide their crying after what they saw. Hatred, torture, and death—and less severe conditions like divorce or getting fired from a job—can all lead to crying. Although crying is only a function of humans, grief is not.
In chapter 2, grief is discussed in detail. Grief is the constellation or spectrum of internal thoughts and feelings when there is primary grief (such as the loss of a job or a divorce) or secondary grief (when someone we love dies). Grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss. Mourning is outwardly expressing internal grief. Grief occurs in stages, but it does not necessarily occur in a specific order. Being aware of the grief process can help people cope with their grief. Awareness of the severity of grief can be very useful.
Grief occurs in all mammals. When a mother caribou watches her calf being killed by wolves, we can see her grief. The other animals in the herd come to her aid.
The process of forgiveness is similar to the grieving process because of the psychosocial behaviors and length of time to process the emotions. Chapter 3 is an attempt to evaluate and understand forgiveness. Forgiveness is as old as ancient times, and it can be found in the oldest religion, Hinduism. Forgiveness can be found in all religions. Forgiveness is a complex psychosocial emotion, and many areas in the brain are involved in forgiveness. Forgiveness is an emotion-focused coping strategy that can reduce stress. The goal of forgiveness is to eliminate anger, hostility, and resentment. Chapter 3 provides ways to do this and mechanisms to adjust to situations where forgiveness may not come to fruition. The purpose of this chapter is to create awareness of the psychosocial aspects of forgiveness.
Chapter 4 addresses personal acceptance and rejection. Acceptance in the grieving process is the last stage of Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (DABDA). We have added shock as the first stage and moving on as the last stage. The seven stages of grief—shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and moving on—do not need to occur in a particular order. A person may only go through a few stages. For example, when I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in 2000, I went from denial to moving on and skipped all the other stages.
Chapter 4 also evaluates methods for accomplishing acceptance. Grief may include anxiety and depression. Mindfulness training can help a person overcome some of the negative aspects of grief and help achieve acceptance. Counseling and therapy can also help a person overcome grief, which can lead to acceptance and moving on.
